- Throw that piece of shit in there. - No, wait.
Sit down and shut up, you old fool.
Ten thousand.
- On... bug-eye boy. - What?!
Big balls, huh? Big cojones, huh?
- I'll take that bet. - Ready? And fight!
Y'all never heard of Soul, Korea?
- FBl! Everybody freeze. - Don't move.
- John! - A little help down here, please?
No doubt. Are you all right?
I'm just takin' a bath with Old Yeller down here.
Could you open the cage? I'm a married man. I'm not used to this much attention.
Satellite TV and a six-pack do not a full life make.
You gotta understand. I'm not like you.
On the street, I gotta keep it simple.
You know what I mean? I can't have a family and home out there distracting me.
That's funny. I couldn't be out there without it.
OK. We've got a live one, people. Conference room in five.
Oh, Malcolm. Didn't recognize you with the make-up off. Got the Michaels file?
- Got it. - Good. Bring it here.
I'm just sayin', on the street I can't have no distractions. I gotta be ready for anything.
- Nice. - You too grown for this shit, man.
A prison escape leaves one man dead.
Lester Vesco, serving a life sentence for murder,
has escaped from a federal penitentiary.
He is seen here on security cameras robbing the Century Union Bank.
- Vesco is extremely dangerous. - Oh, my God.
What's wrong?
Nothing's wrong.
You know, how would you like to go on a little vacation?
- I don't know. We've never been on one. - How fast can you get ready?
Ready.
Well, you look ready to me.
Grab your medicine.
Got your seat belt on?
- Yup. - Let's roll.
Lester Vesco. Not a nice man, people.
Two years ago, he robbed a bank, popped a guard and the bank manager
and walked out with two million in cash and bearer bonds.
We got him, but the money was never recovered.
Twelve hours ago, he killed a prison doctor
and drove out the front gate in the man's Volvo. Very creative.
- What about the girl from the robbery? - Lester's girlfriend. Sherry Pierce.
Never convicted. Worked in the bank.
So she gives him access to the vault,
cries on the stand and walks away with two million large.
Exactly. But we never proved it.
She's pretty smart. Keeps a low profile, works two shit jobs.
Now it looks like she's in the wind.
So we find her, we find Lester, we find the money.
- What about this stepbrother in Oakland? - You and Gallagher take it.
- Get some warrants. Set up a surveillance. - Great. Malcolm and I can stay here
and hit the phones.
No, no, I've got something special planned for you two.
Sherry's got a long-lost grandmother in Cartersville, Georgia.
And who knows, Malcolm? Maybe you'll find an Armani outlet - by the Piggly Wiggly.
That's all, people.
- There's Big Momma. - What a classic scene.
Genteel old lady, pruning her roses.
Lord, I done told Sadie about this dog.
Let me catch you here again and I'll barbecue some hot dog!
- Got it. - You know what, man?
Erskine and Stoner probably caught that girl Sherry two days ago.
They just wanted us to sit here pickin' ticks off our asses.
Nobody's tried to kill you for days. The stress must be overwhelming.
I'm just here to catch a bad guy. If it goes down hard, so be it.
If we could get in to plant the surveillance equipment, we wouldn't be stuck here.
Hey, what do we have here?
Must be one of those Southern traditions. Exchanging baked goods in the street.
Nah, you bring them over. That's how you meet the new neighbors.
Oh, man.
- Where are you going? - While she's out, I'll set the surveillance.
Stall 'em.
- Stall them? - Trust me.
- Malcolm! - Four and a half minutes.
- Well, how-dee, ladies. - Hello, neighbor.
Welcome to Maple Drive. We hope you will come to love...
Oh, shut up and give the man your dry old Bundt cake so I can go home.
You'll have to excuse Hattie Mae. Her stomach's not feelin' too good.
I'm Miss Patterson
and this is Miss Other Patterson.
We call her that because she's from a whole different set of Pattersons.
- My name's John. - John what?
- Patterson! Isn't that a weird coincidence? - Yes, it is.
Maybe we're all related.
I used to be married, but not any more.
Oh, Lord. Is she with Jesus?
No. Actually, Jesus, I think, is how he pronounces it.
He was the gardener.
I caught him spreadin' fertilizer in the bedroom, if you know what I mean.
'Scuse me, honey. Here's your corn bread. I got to go.
No, you can't! Ladies, it was really a pleasure.
Wait. You can't leave.
Where's this great Southern hospitality I've heard about, Hattie Mae? lf I can call you that.
I was hoping we could sit in the front porch and shuck corn, shoot squirrels...
Boy, you ain't right. Did somebody hook you up to a jumper cable?
When I say I got to go, move - I got to go.
Wait!
I'm not crazy, just a little lonely. We could spend some quality time together.
Say, you know what I do when I have an upset stomach?
I jog. Yes! Come on!
It's good when you got the runs. Come on, me and you around the block.
Listen, either I can go around you, or I can go through you. Whichever you decide.
Fine.
Shit!
- You cannot go in there. - You're sayin' I can't go in my own house?
No, I'm telling you, you cannot go in there without giving me a big
Southern welcome.
That's it. A little sugar on it.
If you want a second helping, let me know.
- Cos I got two knees! - No, I'm good. God bless ya.
- Cos I got to go. - Yeah. Thanks for the corn bread.
Jesus, let me just make it to the bathroom before I lose my bowels all over myself.
Jesus.
Will I make it?
Have mercy, Lord.
Those stewed prunes!
They just goin' right straight through me.
I done seen a lot of scary shit in my day,
but damn - that was a lotta ass.
I think I need a splint or somethin'.
Just... I'll be all right.
"Dr Green. Wilshire Pediatrics."
Here we go.
God.
Miss it. Miss it.
Think you can throw me off my shit?
I'm in the zone.
100 dollars. Come on.
- That shit don't count. - What do you mean?
- You were in my grill. - 100 bucks, man.
Who could be callin' her at this time of night?
Trussy! How ya do...
Oh, Lord. William's in the hospital again?
I'll be there. I'm prepared. I can stay a week or two weeks...
She's leavin', man. Now's our chance to tap the phones. Come on.
- Driver, please get me to the bus station. - Yes, ma'am.
I gotta go and help my friend out for a couple of weeks.
Over here.
Jesus!
Back up off me.
- Sorry. - Hello. This is Hattie Mae Pierce.
Go on, leave me a little message. As soon as I get back, I'll give you a shout. God bless.
Big Momma? It's Sherry.
Surprised, huh?
Listen, I was taking a little vacation
and I was headed in your direction,
and I thought maybe I'd stop in and check on you since I haven't seen you in a while.
But it looks like you're not home, so I'll see you on the next trip.
No!
- We lost her. - No! Look...
And, Big Momma, I just want you to know...
I know it’s been a long time since we've talked, but...
I really do love you and miss you very much.
Praise the Lord.
It's my baby Sherry!
Big Momma, you're there!
Hi!
Yes, I'm here, honey child, lamb chop, sugar foot.
Hang up.
I know things haven't been so great between us these past couple of years,
and I just want you to know
that your place is the only place that's ever really felt like home for me.
And I can't wait to see you and I love you very much.
Well, I'm...
I'm glad it felt like a home to you, Sherry.
You hurry home, then. All right?
And I'm gonna make sure that I lock you up
so you don't get away from me ever again.
- Bye, Big Momma. - OK, Sherry. Bye-bye.
- What the hell did you just do? - Kept us in play.
If Big Momma's not here, she'll leave, and then we have no case.
Don't worry.
Big Momma'll be here.
Hello. This is Hattie Mae Pierce.
All right, Trent. Mind your manners. No back talk.
And remember... Look at me.
And remember that our business is our business.
They're here. Now here's the earpiece.
If anybody asks, tell them it's your new hearing aid.
How do I look?
If I were an 85-year-old man with cataracts and a bad hip,
- I'd take a run at you. - Man, shut up.
Big Momma? We're here.
Lord!
- Look what the wind done blew my... - Hi.
Damn, you fine...
Sherry, you changed.
Me? Look at you, Big Momma! I hardly recognize you.
Child, that's only make-up.
Now come on over here and give your Big Momma a great big hug.
It's so good to see you, Big Momma.
- I thought you'd forgotten all about me. - Hush your mouth, child.
- Big Momma could never forget that ass. - What?!
Ma. Asthma.
Remember you had asthma?
I remember it like it was yesterday.
You used to puff and wheeze somethin' wicked.
I said "Sherry, are you all right?" You said...
Oh, damn. Big Momma gettin' light-headed.
Wait a second. Maybe we should take you upstairs.
Bless your little asthmatic heart.
- Who's he? - Oh, Big Momma. That's Trent, my son.
You haven't seen him since he was a baby.
Oh, yeah. Trent!
Hi, Trent.
- Say hi. - I should've known just by lookin' at him.
Look at that nappy little grapefruit head.
You know, it runs in the family. Grapefruit heads.
Your granddaddy had a big-ass head.
The hotel out by the freeway had a pool.
- Sweetheart... - He's a quick little one, isn't he?
- Yeah. - They grow up so fast,
what with the color television an' all.
But he'll come to find Big Momma pretty quick herself.
- I'm starving. - Are y'all hungry?
- Actually, we are pretty hungry. - Come on in. I'm here to take care of y'all.
Come on, Sherry. Come on in.
- Sherry, let me get this bag for you. - Oh, no, Big Momma. I got it.
You can take mine.
You are somethin'. Isn't he?
You're gonna love Big Momma's cooking.
Think it's gonna be windy today. There's a draught.
There we go.
See, Sherry, I like to make sure
that my food is properly lubricated.
It goes down easier that way.
Oh, my God. He's gonna kill her. This guy can't even make toast.
Let's see what's in there to cook now.
We got some pork chops,
turkey necks...
Child, you like these?
One for me...
Well, I'm probably not gonna eat them, but you can have mine. All right, Sherry?
Now, Sherry,
sit back, watch and learn.
Malcolm, I don't know how to tell you this... but your face is falling off!
Big Momma? Are you OK?
- Where's that pot? - I'm gonna go and start setting the table.
Yeah, you do that, Sherry. Where's that pot?
Malcolm!
What are you doin' over there?
- What are you doin'? - Take it easy!
Big Momma, I think you just had a Peeping Tom.
That's all right, child. I get them all the time.
You do your housework in the nude and it tends to attract the wrong element.
Nothin' like a little excitement to get the blood goin'.
While I fix dinner,
tell me what brings you to Big Momma's house after all these years.
Well, we were just on a little vacation.
Middle of the night seems a funny time to go on vacation.
I thought you might have been in trouble.
- How did you know we left at night? - I didn't.
No, no.
- Big Momma, are you OK? - Oh, yeah.
Ain't nothin' but some scaldin' pork grease.
- Here. Let's dry you off. - So what about it, child?
You in trouble? Is there something you wanna tell Big Momma?
Big Momma, is that duct tape on your face?
Oh, dear! The duct tape.
I guess you're wonderin' why I got the duct tape.
- It's a beauty secret. - Really?
Yes. You never used duct tape to get rid of them unsightly hairs?
- No. - It works particularly well on the bikini area.
- Really? - No doubt, girl.
The pork chops are on fire.
Big Momma, here!
Who's ready to eat?
We could always run down to Ring-A-Ding Burger.
Get him a Smiley Meal.
Oh, no, Big Momma. This...
This looks great.
Well, then, eat up. Take you a big old forkful.
Watch it. The plate's hot now.
I hope I didn’t put too much seasoning salt.
- Would you like me to get that for you? - No. I got it, Sherry.
Who could it be at this time of night?
Just a second!
I wonder who this could be,
surprisin' me this time of evening.
I say, I wonder who could be at my door so late at night.
There's my sugar.
You'd better put that nasty-ass tongue back in your mouth before I rip it out.
Yes, ma'am. My mouth is closed.
But these hands is open for business.
Big Momma, who was it?
Oh, that's just a Bible salesman.
- Sherry, let's go back and finish supper. - You can run, but you can't hide.
Oh, I'm sorry. Ben Rawley's the name.
- Pleased to meet you. - Sherry.
- Big Momma, you didn't say you had a man. - Child, I ain't got no man.
Why, she got every man in town sniffin' round like dogs.
- I do? - Do I smell some greens?
- Yeah, come on in. There's plenty. - Oh, no!
Now, Ben, you know you can't eat no greens.
Greens give you gas somethin' wicked.
Last time I had Ben over for greens, I had to re-wallpaper.
- Ben, let me show you to your car. - Wait a minute!
You look different.
- Different? - You know, I said the same thing.
That face and those eyes. You've changed.
- Changed? - Yes, ma'am.
You're gettin' younger every day.
Sherry, say good night to Mr. Rawley.
Good night. Nice to meet you.
Take it easy, Hattie.
Who the hell do you think you are?
Comin' up here, tryin' to put your nasty-ass lips on me. I am not street booty.
I will not be treated like street poontang!
Ben, if you wanna get with me...
I mean... you will never get with me! Understand?
And even if I was interested, which I definitely am not,
you be goin' about it the wrong way.
- How am I supposed to go about it? - You don't come in a woman's house
and lead with your shaboink-boink!
Women don't respond to that.
I should've bought you somethin'. Like a corsage.
This ain't no damn prom.
Ben, you gotta bring a woman somethin' special.
Somethin' that means it's from your heart.
Come on. You's a OG, aren't you?
You's a fake one, but you's probably a OG, huh?
All right, well, get it together.
- Thanks, Hattie, baby. - Good. Get your ass outta here.
Oh, and that seersucker suit?
Sherry made a call today. Who was it?
A Dr Green in Los Angeles. A refill on the kid's allergy prescription.
She's done nothing to try and contact Lester.
Well, she will. And when she does,
- we'll be there to catch her. - That's right.
Superfly!
You know?
You wanna give me those, or have you grown too attached to 'em?
"Prescription called in for Trent Pierce."
"Hafarth's Pharmacy, Cartersville, Georgia."
I know what you're up to.
You think you're nickel slick, but I got your penny change.
What you talkin'? I'm just takin' in a little air.
You can't fool an old fool. Sadie's got it all figured out.
Look, you old bat, this is a federal...
The man ain't been here for two days and you all over him.
Oh! You think me and the white... No, I don't get down like that.
Are you drinkin' that corn liquor? Are you sippin' on the yak?
Maybe I have. But somethin's goin' on.
I got my eye on you two.
What a day. What a damn day.
Big Momma, someone's here to see you. They say it's an emergency.
Emergency? What kind of emergency?
Your...
Oh, that.
Child, when you get to be my age, they're like yard dogs.
If you don't put 'em on a leash, they'll just roam all over the neighborhood.
- Big Momma, you gotta come out here quick. - What you talkin'?
- Big Momma, it's time. - Time for what?
Ritha's gonna have her baby.
Oh. That's great. Thank you for stoppin' by.
Be sure to send me an invitation to the baby shower.
Her water broke comin' back from the movie. The baby's due any minute.
- And you got to deliver it. - Excuse me?
- You're the midwife, aren't you? - Midwife?
Big Momma!
- What are you doing? - Screamin'!
I find that it calms the spirit.
Matter of fact, let's all scream.
Good. See? It works.
It's not like... I don’t know what I'm doin'.
Take it easy. I've called the paramedics.
Just stall, and then get out of the way when they get there. OK?
All right. Excuse me, darlin'.
Let's close these, OK? You don't want your business wavin' all in the air.
Oh, no! Don't!
- I said close 'em! - They don't close!
Well, then, maybe that's how you got this way in the first place!
- Get this baby out of me! - Where is she?
- Just breathe, sweetie. - Thank God you're here.
Listen, child. You do what the paramedic says. OK?
Big Momma gonna be in the kitchen... bakin' up a storm.
- Bakin'? - Paramedic?
Nolan is a security guard at the lumberyard.
Head security guard. I got two men and three dogs workin' up under me.
How you doin'? I'm Nolan, Ritha's brother.
- Paramedics? Is something wrong? - No!
I knew it. I told you this senile old hag was gettin' too old to be doin' this.
Who are you callin' senile? You wanna step outside?
Look, I took CPR. Can't be too much harder than that.
Damn! That's a baby.
Will you shut up, please? Big Momma can handle this. Get outta here!
Big Momma's here, darlin'. Don't worry.
OK, now. Nolan, get your chunky ass in gear and find me some hot water.
Lena, I need towels. Lots of towels.
- Towels. - Now somebody get me some lard.
Preferably Crisco.
We got a baby about to slide into the world.
- Hold my hand, Big Momma. - Hold her hand.
Hold my hand! Hold my hand!
OK, you're doin' good.
I'm doin' good.
What they need Crisco for?
They use Crisco for everything here.
I can't breathe.
What the hell are you doing?
- I saw this in a movie once. - Stop, Big Momma!
- Here are the tongs. - Is that sterilized?
Oh, yeah. I used WD-40 and some Easy Off on it.
Big Momma, we're not frying a chicken!
Give me this plunger.
Here we go.
- Look at the head. - I see something.
- The head? - I don't know. I'm lookin', it's lookin' back!
For God's sake.
Big Momma, what you doin' now?
I don't think you need those, Big Momma.
Hold your breath.
It's a girl!
Oh, Lord!
Ritha, it look like Leroy.
Thank you, Big Momma.
Look at her.
She's somethin' else.
Gimme my baby.
That's a baby.
Good night, Big Momma.
Let me tell you...
Big Momma, you were amazing.
Oh, thank you, child.
- I wonder what they'll name him. - I don't know.
If it was a boy, they could have named it, like... Requan or Trevon.
- Trevon is cute. - You think that?
But it's a girl. You gotta pick a girl name.
Shaniqua.
- You don't like that? - Come on now, Big Momma.
It should be a biblical name, right?
- Something beautiful like that. - That's right.
Big Momma, do you remember this?
Oh, my word!
Yes.
- Here. - Sherry, no. No, I couldn't, Sherry.
Big Momma, I just wanna make sure that if I ever have to go away for a long time
you have something to remember me by.
Well, all right.
And I know it's a little tarnished, but it's gotten me through some pretty tough times.
Tough times? Sounds like a man's involved.
Somethin' like that.
Sherry, you know that old boyfriend you had, who got in trouble?
Whatever happened to him?
Oh, Big Momma, that's such a long story.
I'd better go check on Trent.
- You need anything? - I'm fine. Thank you, honey.
- Sit out here and catch my breath. - OK. I understand.
Shit!
Who are you?
- Excuse me? - Who are you?
Oh, me? I'm sorry.
Sometimes I just get so caught up in my work that I forget things and...
I'm Malcolm. Hi. How are you?
Big Momma asked me to come by and fix...
- At 5.45 in the morning? - No doubt.
I'm an electrician. You know?
Shit!
You're not really an electrician, are you?
No. No, I'm the...
You got me. I am busted.
I didn't go to electrical college, if that's what you mean.
But I'm a handyman. Yeah, handyman's my thing.
- What are you doing? - How you doin', man?
Wait a minute.
Trent?
How did you know his name?
Big Momma been braggin' all over town about you.
- She has not. - Yes, she has.
"Trent's so smart. Trent's so cute. Trent knows karate."
- I know a little bit. - That's what I'm talkin' about.
Show me a little bit of your moves.
I'd love to show him. Don't worry. I won't hurt him.
What the hell is he doing?
- Trent, baby, be careful. - You're kinda quick.
Let me show you what I got. Which way I'm comin'?
OK, it just got serious.
Honey, careful.
- Trent, honey, you cannot be that rough. - You're only a pre-teen.
Why don't you come inside now and let this man finish his work?
- See you later, Trent. - Bye.
I used to take a little karate myself.
OK, I'm gonna go inside now.
I'll come back and check on you in a while just to make sure you haven't killed yourself.
I appreciate it.
You blew your cover.
John, if you was thinkin' straight,
you'd realize Malcolm's our best shot for crackin' this case.
Sherry ain't never gonna tell her grandmother about Lester.
Hurry up, man. She's leaving.
I'll search the house while you're gone.
Sherry?
Where are you off to?
I'm dropping Trent off to play basketball.
And then... I'm just gonna go into town for a little bit.
OK. Well, good. I'll go with you. I need to do some shopping anyway.
- No! - Trent, move over.
This ass here could do some serious damage.
Sherry, I'm not on your gearshift, am l?
- No, Big Momma. You're all right. - All right.
Get your seat belt on.
Here we go on our way to the store.
Shit.
- Hattie! I've been lookin' for you. - Well, good. Keep lookin'.
Big Momma, stay and talk to your friend. I'll talk to you later. OK?
- Wait! - I'll be right back.
Hattie, I need to do this before I lose my nerve.
You run along or that ain't all you gonna lose.
Listen. Hattie, listen to me.
It was my mother's. It's been on my dresser for 30 years.
Just sittin' in my little apartment doin' nothin' when it could have been out seein' the world.
I just want to give you somethin',
just to prove to you I know how to give my heart to a woman.
- There you are! - Girl, we've been lookin' all over for you.
Hattie!
Hold on a minute. You losin' weight?
Yeah. I been workin' with that new ab roller.
With the handles up here.
Well, sugar, it workin'. You understand me?
- Come on now. We gonna be late. - Late for what?
Maybe you're in a dark alley.
Maybe not.
Maybe you're walkin' home from a church social.
Maybe you're standin' on your sun porch smokin' a pack of Virginia Slims.
But where's an' ever you be,
you got to be prepared for this.
That was a little fast. Let me do it again.
Come on, Gertrude. This is good for you.
Don't you think you're being a little rough on the ladies?
You think a mugger'll be easy on you?
Somebody attack you on the street, you think they gonna do it delicately? I don't think so.
Now, where were we?
I think you were gonna ask for another volunteer.
And, personally, I would consider it a privilege.
OK. Let's go with some real-life situations.
All right. Now, first off...
Go on. Stand right there.
Here?
Let's say
you walkin' down the street, struttin' your stuff,
and somebody scream out to you "Hey, baby!"
"Back that thing up and show me what you got." What you gonna do?
Well, I'd say...
I got a size ten,
and I'm about to cram it up his bony ass.
What if that don't work?
What if he decide he still wanna get a little piece of that?
All he got to do is this.
You done messed up now.
Get him, Hattie Mae!
Sorry about that. I didn't think it made much sense to defend myself delicately.
Most attackers seek out people who look like they can't defend themselves.
- Ain't that right, Nolan? - Yes.
See, you only got a second
to turn fear and panic into power!
- Power! - That's right. You can't be scared.
You got to fight back.
There you are! I've been looking all over for you.
I know I got some explainin' to do.
- That's a good idea. - Yeah.
I paid way too much for this new wig to mess it up here.
- That's what I'm talkin' about. - I feel free!
Hattie, are you done with him?
- Can I have a go? - Most definitely.
Oh, my damn.
OK, ladies...
Big Momma, what is going on?
- They make these cars so low. - Hi, Trent. Momma, you need some help?
No, I'm not that old, Sherry. I don't need no help.
- How you doin'? - Good.
How was basketball?
- It was all right. - You OK? I'm gonna go start dinner.
And make sure you put the fatback in the greens.
Hey. This yours.
You didn't know Big Momma knew that move, did you?
That's called an assist.
Trent, me and you haven't had much time to just sit down and talk.
Your momma didn't happen to talk to you about
where you were going to next, did she?
She didn't happen to say anything about meetin' up with an old friend?
I don't know.
Trent, you know I'm your Big Momma, right?
You could talk to me and confide in me. You know that, right?
I said I don't know. And anyway, Momma said we shouldn't tell our business.
That some stuff we should just keep to ourselves.
Is that right?
Did somethin' happen while you were down at basketball?